My baby hit her three month milestone yesterday. I’m officially out of the fourth trimester though I feel like I got here a little earlier than that.
I’d seen the terms “fourth trimester” and “matrescence” bandied around in different pregnancy articles as I was growing Freya and preparing myself for postpartum, and I felt pretty prepared (as much as I could be) for the coming months after my baby was born - the months that would be the labor and birthing of a new mama. I knew my emotions would likely be a wreck as hormones surged and dropped. I knew I would be more tired than ever and more clueless than ever and experience love like never before, but the head knowledge that did nothing to prepare me for any of that.
Birth Story
My girl entered this world in early October, two days after her due date (almost on the third) and her arrival thwarted every hopeful plan I had laid for her birth.
Where I had hoped to go into labor and progress at home, my waters broke and labor refused to start.
Where I had eaten every date and drank all the pineapple juice and fed my self spicy foods, my body simply did not want to prepare itself and open up to let my daughter out.
Where I had hoped to stay grounded and connected to the sensations of birth, I found myself overwhelmed with pain and thankful for anesthetic assistance to manage.
Where I had hoped to see my body work to push out my daughter, I found myself coming to terms with her positioning and distress and asking to be opened up to let her be plucked from her cozy little bed in my womb.
I remember woozily hearing her little squall of a cry from the operating table as my husband held my hand and a surgical hair net tried to slip down over my eyebrows before my girl was held up like a little Simba over the operating drape. I remember trying to clasp her to my breast for a first latch before realizing I had no way of controlling my muscles as they shook from the drugs. I remember her being laid on her dad’s bare chest safe and snug while I drifted off to sleep as nurses prepared to take us to recovery. My daughter had been born, but the mama was still arriving.
My labor to motherhood began as the drugs wore off and the hormones fluctuated in my postpartum body. Contractions of grief and guilt and sadness gripped my heart and mind. I wept every time I looked at my husband doing the things I could do for our daughter as I was still too weak, in pain, wired and i.v.’d to the bed. We were finally sent home and I burst into tears at the sight of leftover spicy pasta in the fridge. The aging eviction notice that was horribly ineffective, scraped out of its Tupperware and into the trash. Just like my girl, motherhood was not arriving easy either.
A week in I called for help. I knew from previous experience that talk therapy would go a long way. Elizabeth in East Tennessee held my hand over FaceTime as an emotional doula as over the next six weeks of postpartum a mama was born in me.
Day by day, walk by walk, upright sleep by upright sleep, I let the contractions of emotion work their way though me till just before thanksgiving I met myself the mother face to face. Newly born, no longer squalling, blinking at the world around her in wonder.
My baby is three months old as of yesterday and I’m finally catching up with her. The mama is here at last. She rejoices in the weight of a little person’s body pressed against her chest. She holds guilt at arms length, and plans and routines loosely in her hands. She asks for help and tries to receive it graciously. She sings every morning and night and no longer cries to think of happier days cause the happiest days are here.
This is so lovely, Sarah! I am embarrassed to admit that I did little to no research about what my health (physical or mental) would be like after my births. And when I had to have a C-section with Ava, I was more embarrassed that such a possibility had never even crossed my mind! You are so wise to have sought help so early, and I am so thankful you are finding your way.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece. With my first baby I didn't expect to have a C-section, but once she was here safely, I didn't care at all. My subsequent babies were all scheduled C-sections, too. ❤️
Holding onto your baby tightly and your expectations and plans loosely is a good plan, I support it! 😗
Also, excellent, gentle playlist. "The Sun Will Rise" has gotten me through many dark nights.
I look forward to reading more. You're a great mama!!!!!